I was once told that I had to have a quotes page among my HTML garbage. So here it is. You have been forewarned.

"Homer, do you know why I can get away with all my nefarious mischief?"--Snidely Whiplash
"I don't even know what nefarious mischief means."--Homer
"Because I am not one jump ahead of Dudley Do-Right; I am eight jumps ahead of Dudley Do-Right, but that's to be expected of anyone who has a hyphenated last name."--Snidely Whiplash

"How do you fight logic? With superior deception."--Inspector Fenwick

"A frozen Snickers bar is a bad thing."--Mara Kristine Hutt-Tiwald

"What exactly do you mean by enamored?"--In response to Peter Breen's assertion that I had become "enamored" with someone.

"The sun never sets on a University of Illinois nuclear weapon."--Retold by Ken Bridges, CHEM 107/108 TA and Illini hockey fan.

"I was a female embryo."--In response to a series of AP and Reuters news stories on SRY, a genetic "switch" which changes initially female embryos into developping males.

"An engineer thinks that his equations are an approximation to reality. A physicist thinks reality is an approximation to his equations. A mathematician doesn't care."--From a piece of mail sent me by David Hsu.

"We're just good friends, all right?"--In response to a significant amount of pestering from three of my male friends about my relationships with three of my female friends.

"We're both adults. We're free to do whoever...whatever...we want."--Lea Thompson's title character (Caroline Duffy), from the 22 February 1996 episode of Caroline In The City

"I have a 'woman situation'. How nice."--From a conversation with Peter Breen dealing with my relationships with three of my female friends.

"You are so good at avoiding questions."--Theresa Jean Higgins (to Jason Elliot Benda)

"If it was 40 below, and that button meant the difference between a long, satisfying life and a clod, horrible death from hypothermia, I still wouldn't give you the satisfaction [of buttoning it]. Now skate."--D. B. Sweeney's character (Doug Dorsey), from The Cutting Edge

"Marriage; that's like...more commitment than having a gerbil."--Benjamin H. Brownback

"All I can say is that when I become a father, I'm never going to have a daughter, because all guys are scum."--Don Osborne

"To those who have finished: Congratulations; you survived. To those who have yet to embark: Take heart; there are those who have survived."--From the door of 112 Blaisdell halfway through fall semester 1994 finals week

"BE NICE TO ME -- I sit across from a cheerleading coach."--From the desk of Robert W. Martin, Jr., in response to a sign put up by Virginia Mulholland, a cheerleading coach who had the desk across from him.

"W-e a-p-o-l-o-g-i-z-e f-o-r t-h-e i-n-c-o-n-v-e-n-i-e-n-c-e."--God's Final Message to His Creation, as posted in thirty-foot-high letters of fire on the farther side of the Quentulus Quazgar Mountains in the land of Sevorbeupstry on the planet Preliumtarn.

"You just call out my name, and you know, wherever I am, I'll come running, just to see you again; winter, spring, summer, or fall, all you've got to do is call, and I'll be there, yes I'll be there, because you've got a friend."--James Taylor, "You've Got A Friend"

"Oh, and I cannot forget from where it is that I come from."--John Cougar Mellencamp, "Small Town"

"Home, where my thought's escaping; Home, where my music's playing; Home, where my love lies waiting silently for me."--Paul Simon, "Homeward Bound"

"I'm absolutely euphoric!"--Jason Elliot Benda, as quoted by the Chicago Tribune, clutching the 1994 ICTM State Championship trophy which the Naperville North team had just won

"There are three things I've learned never to discuss--politics, religion, and The Great Pumpkin."--Linus Van Pelt

"If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried."--Ben Brownback (one of his sig files)

"If you see a colored gas coming down the hall at you, go the other way."--Lee Marek, chemistry teacher, Naperville North High School

"GO HOME. See your dog. See your cat. See your mom. See your dad. Borrow money. Appropriate stuff for your own use."--my personal favorite Suburban Express ad from the back page of The Onion

"Anything that happens, happens. Anything that, in happening, causes something else to happen, causes something else to happen. Anything that, in happening, causes itself to happen again, happens again. It doesn't necessarily do it in chronological order, though."--Douglas Adams, Mostly Harmless

"I have always liked names ending with a schwa, like my favorite goddess (Athena) or my last name."--Jason Elliot Benda
"A girl's name ending in `a'--that always suggests a `C' cup."--Jubal Harshaw, from Robert A. Heinlein's Stranger In A Strange Land
"Aargh."--Jason Elliot Benda, upon reading the above line from Stranger In A Strange Land

"It was friendly to have a warm body on the other side of the bed, even if your intentions weren't active."--Robert A. Heinlein, Stranger In A Strange Land

"'Love' is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own."--Jubal Harshaw, from Robert A. Heinlein's Stranger In A Strange Land

"So, what other talents do you have that I don't know about?"--Jason Elliot Benda (not a really good question to have asked)

"No, you just don't have to love me back."--something I said to someone in a dream once, in response to the statement, "You know, you don't have to love me."

"Look, in case you haven't noticed, I'm not exactly a people person. I don't do too well with love. Every relationship that's ever meant anything to me I've destroyed singlehandedly. I have driven them all away. I just don't want that to happen with Caroline. I am not going to take that risk again."--Richard Karinsky, from the 22 February 1996 episode of Caroline In The City

"Sometimes I wish I could just get all the people I love together in one place at the same time and never leave any of them again!"--Emily Schafer, discussing the fact that her "home" (and likewise her friends) is split between three different places

"Why is it that everyone I know seems to have more friends than I do? I have more close friends, yet they are farther and farther away...."--Jason Elliot Benda

"Have fun!"--The last line of the introduction to the now-infamous CHEM 110 cobalt lab.

"May we all survive...."--From the door of 112 Blaisdell at the start of spring semester 1995 finals week

"Hell has just frozen over."--Tim Harahan, former Palatine student and Irish fan, upon hearing the final score of Northwestern's 17-15 upset at Notre Dame

"I would probably talk more shit if I didn't suck so bad."--Ben Brownback, on the sidelines during the Pac-10 season championship game, which his roommate (Jason Elliot Benda) won 53-47 in overtime

"You know, Jason, I don't want to be rude, but I do wish you'd tell me what the hell I am in your little hierarchy, because it seems like I'm above scum of the earth and below wife."--Peter Christopher Breen

"I'm glad you can't slap me over the computer."--Amy Genna

"I exist, and things happen to me."--Angela Christina Scavello

"I'm learning to live without you now, but I miss you sometimes. The more I know, the less I understand; All the things I thought I knew I'm learning again."--Don Henley, "The Heart Of The Matter"

"I don't have to see you every day to know you're my friend. I don't need promises to know you always will be."--From a birthday card from Hallmark's "Saturdays" line sent to me by Mara Kristine Hutt-Tiwald

"I think once a woman's got her nose in your armpit, the seduction's pretty much over. I think she likes you."--Jerry Seinfeld, SeinLanguage

"We have the heart of a champion. You cannot measure it; you can only feel it."--Hakeem Olajuwon

"That's 5-3 if you're scoring at home, or even if you're by yourself."--ESPN SportsCenter's Keith Olbermann, describing the final out of an Indians-Red Sox game (a third-to-first put out, for those of you who don't know how to score)

"Fuck me!"--Andy Ebervein, after missing a play in center field while playing a video game.
"That's why you have a left fielder."--Jason Elliot Benda, referring to the fact that Andy's left fielder was backing up the play.

"Alrighty, where the hell is my alcohol? Have you ever just had to say that to yourself? I mean sometimes it just ISN"T here when you need it. You know what I'm saying?"--Theresa J. Higgins

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